Arriving in a new town, starting a new job, and stepping up to a new pace of life reminds me of a new semester at school. Brand new notebooks of clean pages to fill with all of my best efforts. But just as the sharp new lead in the pencil wears down too soon while writing and requires sharpening, interrupting the process of mind expansion, so has my clear sharp mind been dulled by the processes involved in setting up a new life. Trying to put these thoughts together now is taking so much more time than usual.
I have wanted to blog my thoughts with regularity but find them choked by waves of emotion. Homesickness, in my assessment, grows from lack of familiarity and connectedness in new surroundings. It takes time to assimilate well. Holidays persist in arriving at the most inconvenient times (particularly past traumatic ones) dredging up settled things like silt from a river bed to further muddy the waters…not the kind of familiarity and connectedness my life longs for.
It is easy to get lost a little in uncharted territory, to lose the GPS…lifeline of one’s convictions. Trying to force the fit into a new environment is exhausting…and counter productive.
So where do I fit. More to the point, how do I fit?
When I left Virginia the rewards of living authentically had begun to pour out upon my soul like warm rays of sunshine. As that warm sunshine was nurturing the hearty blossoms of newly planted soul seeds I let some weeds begin to grow. (people pleasing not least among them) Everyone wondered where the captivating blossoms were and I didn’t know how to answer. They were still there. The real question to be answered was how to remove the weeds obscuring the view. I didn’t identify that at first though. I got tangled further in thorns of frustration that people couldn’t see me in the larger context of my whole existence.
I had begun to feel like there was no time for this gardening. No time. No time…no…hmmm.
This week my view has shifted a bit and I see now that the matter of not having space to garden is the relevant issue. There are hours in the day. Plenty of time. But I haven’t created space for things that nurture me. I have to clear the clutter that I have let collect around this little garden of mine so there is room to work in and enjoy it.
What clutters the space around my personal garden tends to be dwelling on the expectations of others and obsessing about what is coming next or what just happened. And then there are the rusty bits of old lawn furniture taking up much needed space…like my expectations of others.
I have been working on this. First I had to get up on the roof to get an overview. The weather has to be right for that kind of climbing so it’s been a little touch and go. Things calmed down a lot this past week and it really helped. I got a good look. I’m still trying to see a vision of the finished landscape.
Things like diet and exercise as well as journaling are great weeding tools. What I put into my mind and when amounts to so much fertilizer and the effect it has.
I didn’t plant silk flowers that stay the same.
Somehow I had absurdly estimated that what I planted wouldn’t need to expand as it grew and would be impervious to weeds and insects. It takes time and space. I planted real seeds that grow and develop needing a skilled gardener to cultivate them properly. Thankfully God has the skill and he is the true gardener of my soul. So please be patient with me. God is not finished with me yet.