I woke up after only 41/2 hours of sleep very early this morning. About an hour before the alarm was set to go off I fell back to sleep. Anxiety, sadness, weariness shroud me and yet, I have to keep taking the next step. There is such a line of ghosts and ghouls haunting my everyday that when a few of them pass into the light the relief lasts but a moment.
I had a blog prepared for today but I left my notebook at home. The bright side is that it’s there for another day:) So, once again, this is off the cuff.
I am getting ready to say goodbye in just three short weeks to family (adult children, a grandchild, parents, other extended family, and a grandmother who is in the hospital at 104 years of age). I asked my son how can I leave when there are family members struggling with varying life challenges and grief? He said, “You get in the car, drive down the road and cry.” Bless his practical viewpoint. I’ve weighed this decision to move continually for a year. I’ve sought council from reliable people and know that this is my course to travel. That does not make the leaving any easier.
In the midst of it all I’m trying to get this blog up and running, not even sure of its focus. Of course that didn’t cross my mind when I set it up that first day. (I was still a bit in denial about all that was weighing on me. That was also before my youngest moved to Chicago and my grandmother became ill.) I suppose for now it is cathartic and a learning experience.
Creativity has been my cherished companion throughout the past half century. I’ve learned field expedience, imagining myself a homemaking MacGyver on occasion. I’ve painted from time to time and even been entered in a juried show or two. I’ve written one act dramas for church, a couple of sermons and lots of heady essays (which are unsaved and unshared…perhaps to the benefit of mankind). This is the first time I have actually stepped beyond myself in this way. I sure hope it goes well.
Starting a “new life” (right now) feels like wriggling out of a girdle that’s about to take your last breath. It’s time to grow, expand, imagine more and move into an actualized time of life. But I swear sometimes recently I just want to duck back into the familiar illusions and bake cookies.
There are things to accept and things to fight for. Sometimes it’s tough to know the difference. I am extremely thankful for the ways in which technology keep us connected. I can still walk through the valley of the shadow of death with my family members endeavoring to fear no evil. We can celebrate our victories together and encourage one another. We can at least see one another even though hugging has not yet become available in the virtual world.
There will be family around me still when I arrive in Texas. There will be a huge city rather than a small town…for which I am particularly thankful. I miss the city. There is even another grandchild there with whom I have only spent a couple of weeks after his birth. None of that lessens how much I will miss the ones I leave behind.
The sun will rise after it sets. A new day will dawn. But at night the ghosts are scarier.